“Everything in our lives fell into place with such simplicity - careers, home, kids. How could we ask for anything more? It was like we were masters of the Universe and we didn’t need validation from God. All we had to do was work hard, handle our own business and raise independent children – right? We had such plans for retirement after the kids graduate college and settle into their own lives.”
Speaking with fluent arm motions and hand gestures, Max’s speech landed with his hands in front, palms up, facing Pastor Simmons. “And now…”
Nehemiah 1:3-4
“They said to me, ‘The remnant there in the province who survived the captivity are in great distress and reproach, and the wall of Jerusalem is broken down and its gates are burned with fire.’ When I heard these words, I sat down and wept and mourned for days; and I was fasting and praying before the God of heaven.”
Ever feel a pang of conscience? It’s a sensation that seems like something is literally tearing at your gut; like you have to fix the situation right now, or you may die on the spot. Anytime we ignore God’s call, we continue to feel a tremendous, and sometimes distressful, tug on our heart. For those who haven’t given their heart to God, it can be difficult to discern the origin of this awful discomfort.
As Christians, we understand that God works to break through by breaking us down to our very core. While that may seem harsh, it can be the only way for us to realize God is all we need. Everything else we’ve been chasing is merely something of this world; something fleeting, that will deteriorate and not bring true happiness. At our point of utter brokenness, when we finally reach out in prayer, that’s when we receive ultimate healing. Then true blessings can be seen and felt.
However, some of us are more stubborn than others. Max and Paul experience stronger and stronger tugs while they continue to resist. Both engulfed in self-doubt and self-service, the two journalists plow through denial with the gusto of anyone fighting to escape, though not exactly sure from what.
Max concedes to an urge to visit the pastor of the largest church in town. Perhaps he can put his mind at ease; assure that he’s not gone crazy; be convincing that God is not out to get him. But Pastor Simmons feels much more. He delves into Max’s past with compassion and a desire to draw him back to God.
The seasoned reverend understands that if he pushes too hard, Max will leave angry and no better off. Instead, he takes an approach to guide Max toward drawing his own conclusions. He appeals to the visitor’s childhood memories, attempting to bring him to a place of reverence.
Still, Max struggles. He follows suggested memories from when he was baptized, grasping for a shred of something that could save him from this daily torture and at the same time keep him from losing his family. What could he expect of Pastor Simmons? He doesn’t exactly know. He just knows he can’t explain the ache and the uncertainty and the unnatural steering toward the church steps after service. Seems like desperation drives many a desperate act.
Ultimately, after pouring out his inner most hurt and insecurities, he doesn’t know if he will be able to follow the good pastor’s guidance – prayer – talking to God. He’s barely acknowledged the existence of God since he went to college. Why would He, the Utmost High, recognize the meager requests of someone who’s turned his back for so long, when so many true, dedicated followers pray faithfully?
Revelation 21: 4 “and He will wipe away every tear from their eyes; and there will no longer be any death; there will no longer be any mourning, or crying, or pain; the first things have passed away.”
“He could even imagine the typical cotton blouse she (Grandma Sinclair) wore. It was light blue with some sort of flower pattern. Then, there were her hands – warm, comforting, able to cook, clean and apply the necessary bandage. Her hands could create furniture tents in the living room, skilled yo-yo stunts, the best hot chocolate ever sipped, and bedtime tickles. However, Paul found it very sad that he mostly remembered her hands as frail and folded in unanswered prayer.”
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Paul’s pain…
There’s an old saying that if you love something you should set it free. If it comes back to you, it’s yours. If it doesn’t come back, it was never yours to begin with. After the loss of his father, Paul begins an inward journey of defense that eventually lets go of everyone he loves. Even as unintentional as it may have been, he doesn’t allow anyone back in, not even his grandmother, who spent the rest of her life fighting to polish what the world had tarnished.
Anything that resembles love, Paul has hidden in the farthest regions of his heart. He pretends that by pushing his agenda of self-sufficiency he is actually showing compassion. He won’t liken it to the “teach a man to fish” model. That’s too much of a hands-on approach. Paul prefers a more animalistic method. In the wild, animal young are expected to leave the nest or den or pack at a certain age of development. At that point, they must fend for themselves or perish. People should have the same survival senses, as applied to civil society, meaning not to break any laws or hurt anyone in order to survive, only that one should make their own way with education and vocation. And no one should expect anything from anyone else.
Paul certainly practiced what he preached. And his plan seemed to work for him just fine – that is until someone made their way into his life that he couldn’t seem to set free. And the only person in the world he yearned to confide in went to Heaven 15 years prior.
Suddenly, Paul allows himself to revisit that day. It was supposed to be the beginning of something better. Sadly though, it turned into a nightmare. Even now, he’s not sure he is completely awake. He still feels so responsible for the circumstances that led to her death. It had to have been a broken heart and he did nothing to ease it. All those years growing up he just slipped further and further into bitterness. All the love and patience and attempts at reasoning seemed to slam into a young man’s wall of attitude.
Then there is the fact that he still blames his mother for the abandonment. Without that resentment he is certain he would have been a better grandson and would have accepted all her nurturing. Instead, he is left with all of it alone. A little chink in the armor (Marissa) threatens to implode his whole way of thinking.
If he could only speak to Grandma Sinclair one more time…what are we all doing here anyway? What happens when it’s over? He told himself he would simply coast through life and the end would be the end. Now, he’s not sure of anything. If Grandma is really in Heaven, could she ask God why he allowed such pain to such a little boy? In fact, maybe that is where the ultimate blame lies. Why would such a good God allow any of the horrible things in life to exist?
Paul wells up in regret, praying straight to his grandmother for forgiveness. Then he turns an angry back to God. “Leave me alone!” he screams inside.
Can you feel it? Pivotal moments appear before Paul and Max. Even as they hang on to the supposed normal, God keeps changing the scenery. Chapter eight reveals more of God’s way in creating circumstances. Everything we experience equips us for the purpose for which we were created. I pray you continue this journey with me and that it may serve as a source of equipping, as it has for me.