“Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that you will abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.” Romans 15: 13
“The disappointment in not seeing his pretty friend’s smiling face was as though air was suddenly released from a balloon and it sailed backward out of control before landing haphazardly on the ground.
He swallowed the feeling hard, as he couldn’t understand why he should have such an attachment. He promised himself he would never allow another person to have that sort of hold on his emotions. Yet, all through this modest structure, moments worth remembering bounced around through the air, off the walls and back to his weakened soul.”
No matter how hard he tries to suppress them, Paul’s thoughts continually return to experiences at the Habitat for Humanity build site – and to the one who initiated all of them. This development both infuriates and delights the man who never thought he could feel anything again. Yet, here he is; envisioning Marissa in every turn of internal view.
Anytime he looks at a hammer, he remembers how she looked on the day he first saw her; simply beautiful in a pure and natural way. She didn’t need makeup, and whether her hair was up under a hat or down loosely flowing about her face, it suited her perfectly. Whenever faced with a project that requires a little critical thinking, it is her voice he hears in his ear, telling him to approach the task with common sense. “It never hurts to read the manual, either,” he recalls her saying with a playful grin.
None of his feelings should matter. Feelings don’t get you through life, he thinks. However, she’s turned his world upside down with her sweet spirit and tenacious attitude. Paul describes her personality as loving everyone and she would fight her way through a tornado to be able to prove it.
Eventually though, after much inward fuming and contemplating, he makes a difficult decision. It’s not something he really wants to do. It simply seems his only option if he’s going to be able to maintain status quo. He must talk to Marissa as soon as possible, before he loses the nerve.
She isn’t expecting him to volunteer his time on this particular Saturday. So he believes it will be best to just show up and speak to her there, rather than asking her to meet him privately. He has no idea how she might react. She may be relieved. Or she may get upset. She may even begin to fight the tornado. Either way, he pushes himself onward during the car ride over, giving himself a pep-talk along the way.
“Let me tell you,” the lady trudged on in word. “I cursed the All Mighty for all he was worth that night. How could He be loving and also allow my kids to starve? For the next six weeks I filled out all kind of papers; papers for welfare, papers for food stamps – and divorce. The whole time watching those pups and my own children get bigger and hungrier. I thought hard about leaving them all at a police station, homeless shelter or somewhere; somewhere where someone would take them in and take care of them, since their own dad and grandparents weren’t going to. Then I would just drive off in that old truck and end it all. I was no good to anyone either. No one would miss me. But then…”
2 Chronicles 6: 40 “Now, O my God, I pray, let Your eyes be open and Your ears attentive to the prayer offered in this place.”
2 Chronicles 7:3 “”All the sons of Israel , seeing the fire come down and the glory of the Lord upon the house, bowed down on the pavement with their faces to the ground, and they worshipped and gave praise to the Lord, saying, ‘Truly He is good, truly His loving kindness is everlasting.’”
Instead of finding Marissa at the newly completed Habitat house, Paul nearly runs smack dab into the partner family. After a sheepish apology and shocking revelation, the single mother unexpectedly bears her soul to him. Somehow she knows exactly who he is. Secretly he wants it to mean something. Yet, when the emotion touches his heart, he pulls back violently.
He didn’t intend to hurt the lady’s feelings. After all, she just shared with him a powerful story of hope. And here she was about to realize a perfect slice of happiness with a brand new home for her family. Perhaps all the niceness finally clashes with his hard heart, creating the Scrooge-like reaction.
At any rate, before he can stop himself, he bashes her story’s premise of being an answered prayer from God. As he hears the chastising words billow from his mouth, an overwhelming hurt fills his soul. Still he resists. It’s just circumstantial, he says to himself. It’s all this emotional confrontation mixed with painful memories. It changes nothing – was his ultimate stance.
Then, Marissa emerges. Oh how he wants to whisk her away, to let her console him, to feel her arms around him. Oh how confusing! He hadn’t expected any of this. He in no way intended to allow emotions to surface. From the last time he saw his mom, his vow was to remain single and alone. He never wanted to be hurt, or hurt anyone else, in particular any children that could result from a relationship. He must suppress these feelings, this weakness.
Similarly, causing pain is not at all the intention with his message of total independence. It was meant to be his small part of creating a society where people could attain at least the minimum decent lifestyle, no matter how hard they had to work, and without needing help from any group or government or anyone – no handouts, no crutches.
All these thoughts and feelings twist their way down to his very core like a cork screw would penetrate a wine cork. Then just as the foaming concoction spews forth from the bottle top, so does Paul’s reaction toward two unsuspecting Christian ladies. Paul tells Marissa and the newest homeowner standing next to her on the back steps of her Habitat house just how he feels about being pressured to believe something.
Feeling completely blindsided, the mentor and mentee have no idea why he is so upset. They watch him walk across the yard and out of sight, as they shrug in outward perplexing motions. The almost Habitat homeowner pats Marissa on the back for comfort. She seems to sense that the display touches her deeper than she wants to reveal. Still, they have important items to complete before the impending dedication. Marissa holds the words he spoke in her heart for safe keeping, with determination of confronting him as soon as the time is right.
Human emotion and our belief system seem to go hand in hand with experiences during youth. A young man who suffers horrific hurts during childhood usually believe those tragedies resulted from either his own inabilities, the uncaring actions of others, or a God who orchestrates an outcome regardless of the consequences. As an adult, his idea of what he wants in a family unit will look much different than is considered typical.
Conversely, a young woman leading by all accounts an idyllic upbringing will tend to pour her senses into caring and loving activities that draw from feeling close to God and others. Her thoughts toward the future lean to planning as blissful a home as she has enjoyed. Of course, as a Christian, the final assessment of our condition of living lies within our heart of hearts. Do you know that you know that you know that you are saved by Christ to spend your eternal life with Him in Heaven?
Continue this journey with me to find out the destination of Paul and Marissa. Will she be able to believe through his skepticism? Can he find the desire to tear down those carefully constructed walls? And what about Paul’s boss, Max, does he find the courage to open his heart back up to God? Chapter nine promises to take you through some unimaginable twists and turns.
For now, Grace and Blessings to all!
Darlene Nixon